Are
you the church leader or member who has never been divorced? You are
the person this blog writer wants to appeal to. We've sat on the same
pew together. Many of you are thinking..."I really have no reason to get
into the lives of people who are divorced or facing it, or even
thinking about it." - right? Well, yes you do have a reason to be
involved in people's shattered lives.
Jesus
teaches us to be compassionate people. Jesus teaches us to lift His
name high, so that He will draw all men to Himself. If you are a Christ
follower, then you are required to show love and compassion to anyone
who comes your way. But do you actually rub shoulders with those people
who feel so empty inside themselves because they are trying to pick up
the pieces of a broken marriage? Sure you do...they are the ones who are
sitting by themselves, thinking no one cares to be around them, but
they know they need to be here.
Take
a look at who this person is. Paula comes into your rather large church
and she is looking for a spot where no one will notice her. Or Ted is a
church member who has just been given his marching orders outside the
front door and he is sitting by himself, slumped slightly over...just
because he is exhausted emotionally from the disrespect and the
rejection he feels. Or Ragan is the friend you befriended last Fall at a
church event, and you find out she is facing an unwanted divorce from a
husband who is has been involved with a co-worker and...another member
of the church. Yes, life gets very complicated for those you know, but
you really don't know how they feel and what they are going through
unless you sit down have a heart to heart chat with them. Let's see how
each of these hurting spouses are really doing on a Sunday morning.
Paula
is nearly 3 months pregnant, but no one knows just yet. She is wearing a
long-sleeved blouse because there are bruises on her arms and around
her neck where she took a beating just this past week. She ended up in
the ER because she thought she was going to lose the baby, but thank
goodness, the baby is OK. She carries with her a shrouded secret that
engulfs her with a dread as she thinks about the future of her baby's
life. She wants so desperately to have a family that she has always
dreamed about, but...her husband believes that no one should be born in
this world, and he emphatically told her that he will not "father" a
child, and he wants her to go through an abortion. And so, she sits
alone. Tears come to her eyes when she witnesses the baby dedication at
church, with dads holding their newborns, smiling and cooing at their
newborns...and she feels more and more empty inside. An usher catches
her with tears in her eyes, and asks her if she is OK, and she responds,
"Sure, I'm OK!" when everything in her being is crying out for someone
to hold her up and understand the nightmare she is facing...but no one
notices...and she remains silent. And her husband has filed for divorce
because he doesn't want the baby.
Ted
and his family have been going to this church for over fifteen years.
They have been involved with the children's activities - they have two
children in elementary school Ted sings on the praise team, but this
Sunday, he's sitting without his family. His wife has decided that she
no longer loves Ted. The disrespect by his wife has taken a toll on him
so badly, that he believes that he is a worthless father and cannot do
anything right in front of his wife. This past week, she emptied all of
the bank accounts, placed the money in her new account, and told him
that he was no longer welcome in his own home...and his children ignored
him as they were told to do by their mother. His wife believes the
marriage is over because he is not making the income that she requires,
but no one knows that harrowing secret...it would be devastating to him
if anyone ever found out. Yet, he sits empty, ready to explode a gusher
of tears, but he holds it all in because he doesn't want to show his
weakness...and his pain.
Ragan
is the mother of a set of 7 yr-old twin boys. They keep her going 24/7.
She and her husband have been attending church for quite some time, but
this Sunday, she sits alone in her Bible class. It's rather
uncomfortable for her to be in that couple's class today - just this
past week her husband told her, with no emotion in his face that he
never loved her, and that he was moving out...he was finished with the
marriage. She was facing that terrible feeling that it was all her
fault, and an incredible empty feeling that her 10 year marriage was
worthless - that she had been living a lie. A cloud of horror hung over
her as she sat and thought about how empty she felt, but there were
people all around her. She didn't think anyone there knew her
secret...but someone in the class did. It was Allen sitting across the
room. She knew who he was...he worked with her husband. Allen held a
secret within himself as well. He had seen Ragan's husband hand in hand
with a female co-worker at the office picnic...and Ragan was no where to
be found. Should he tell her?
These
are scenarios that are played out in the hallways, classrooms, church
pews, and church parking lots all the time, yet no one ever knows the
real story. Why wouldn't we as church members? We are always dressed in
our Sunday best, being on our best behavior, and believing everyone in
church are "doing just fine". We really don't get to know the deep hurts
of a person, yet when we find out they are going through a divorce, all
of us want to fix it. All of us want to try to bring the couple back
together again. That is the normal, Christian thing to do in church,
when in reality, the single spouse, sitting their in the pew is
agonizing on the inside, and does not want anyone to try to fix or
reconcile them to their spouses...it's too late. But they absolutely
need someone to whom they can trust with their secret, or to whom they
can be heard, or they need to know that someone at church really knows
how crushed they really are, and all they want is someone who can fill
that emptiness inside of them.
How
can you see that emptiness and fill that emptiness? Get to know all the
couples of your church. If you see that one of the spouses are no
longer there, acknowledge your observation to their spouse and see what
response they give you. More than likely, that will start a conversation
of what is going on in their marriage. Really listen to what that
person is saying, and let them know you comprehend how they must be
feeling. Don't offer advice. The main thing they are needing is for
someone to really hear what they have to say, and for you to trust what
they have to say.
It
may be hard to find out what is really going on, but continue the
relationship - maybe offer to go out to eat lunch or to watch the kids
for awhile. They will begin to open up to you when you show them that
you really care what is happening to them. If the Ragans at your church
seem closed down, she needs to be shown that she really matters to you
and that you love her and her children...offer to share lunch with her.
She has to go to an empty home and cook for children that may not be so
appreciative of her. If the Teds of your church seem sullen and out of
touch, just remember, he needs a friend who will listen to him...and who
won't reject him on everything he says. And if there are any Paulas in
your congregation, encourage her to go through with her pregnancy, offer
a baby shower for her, let her know how much she is loved and
appreciated. She needs to hear that her baby is worth holding on to. And
even if you find someone who is seeking a divorce, but for all the
wrong reasons, then they are seeking forgiveness and comfort to know
that they are not the bad guy...Jesus will take care of the
rest...because someone showed compassion to the empty-hearted spouse.
Embrace their wounds with your heart and listen so they may heal.