For My Married Friends...

I've thought alot about how society or even insurance companies views divorced women. Did you know that insurance companies deem that divorced women are high risk drivers and that if they find out one is divorced, then their premium goes up? Is that unfair...when you don't even want the divorce...all of a sudden, you are put in a bracket of high-risk drivers who act crazy???

And...I've thought alot about how the Christian church perceives divorced people. I have even thought about how I perceived divorced people when I was married, and sitting side by side in church with my husband. My thoughts...."Well, that's too bad about that couple. There must have been some really bad stuff going on with them for them to have gone all the way to the divorce court.... We really can't use them in our church anymore...they may influence others of like issues....so, we'll just pretend to accept them...but they just can't hold any leadership positions...what would others think?...I don't know what to say to her...so I'll just leave her alone...she probably doesn't want to talk about it anyway...I just feel awkward talking to her...what do I have in common with her...I certainly would never divorce my husband!

Granted, there are those in Christian churches that reach out to the divorced, but many of THOSE people have been through a divorce in one way or another. I remember going to Divorce Care at my church while I was still separted from my husband. I was coaxed into going to the class, but I really didn't want to..because I was still married. I met a woman there that had been through a divorce, and she was helping with the class. She was all smiles, and very helpful, and sensitive to others, and I thought to myself, "She looks OK...she certainly has come out smiling like a rose, yet there is something about her that doesn't seem quite right...she is divorced, and God hates divorce...I wonder if He hates divorcees?"

And then, my friends who were married, and who knew my husband, wanted to avoid the issue at all costs...were they afraid of what they might hear? Were they cautious as to how they said things, so that I wouldn't fall apart in front of them? I'm sure that crossed their mind. And then, for some reason, I could almost touch the boundary that had been made between me and my married friends, that boundary between the divorced and the married. It was as if I had some kind of disease, and that it would be contagious if they even associated with me...so it is out of ignorance that my friends avoid me, and cling to their own spouses. That hurts.

Any one out there willing to listen to a divorcee let them in on a secret? We are still the same people. We hold our feelings in a little more to ourselves right now, but we still want to belong to a group, or to close friends. It pains me to see whole families enjoying Christmas Eve together, and to know that I will have to spend Christmas Eve by myself. Why doesn't any one pick up on that? I know.. it's family time...they believe that everyone will be with their own families..especially at Christmas. Ok, enough of the guilt trip. Sorry about that...but we still have that basic instinct to love and to be loved...it's just that our spouses chose to give up on loving us...but we don't feel sorry for ourselves...just...lonely.

And what about the thought..."Oh! Thank God, that will never happen to us!" Yes, I had that same thought many times. So many times, I took my marriage for granted. "He'll never leave me for another woman! I can't divorce him...we work in the church..what would people think?" But yet, in that back of your mind, the thought occurs to you, "Would my spouse really cheat on me? Would our marriage end up like theirs, with all the gossip going on, splitting them more so?"

Let me tell you that no marriage, even a pastor's marriage is immuned to the possibility of infidelity. In fact, it can happen very quickly in a pastoral marriage. Let's look at this scenario. Pastor John has a very charasmatic personality. Everyone just loves him, and he can be a very compassionate person and holds a very passive personality. Something his wife said or did has caused his ego to wane just a little bit, and another woman gives a rather flattering comment or compliment to the pastor, and he is like glue to her evey word. She continues with the flattery when all of the sudden, he finds himself calling her to get another charge out of her, and A relationship begins over a phone conversation that was really supposed to be just one innocent question. Both of them find themselves trying to back out of the relationship, but the harder they try, the more that they want to spend time with each other, and thus, the affair begins and the spouse takes the back burner. It happens all the time in just that type of scenario. No, no marriage is immuned to an affair.

So how DO married couples relate to divorced people? Take them in as a friend. Choose to learn from them, to pray with them, to listen to them, and to grow in your own faith because of their faith. Do you realize that some of the most faithful and spiritual people I know are divorced people who are praying for the restoration of their marriages AND are praying that their spouses would turn away from their cold hearts. Why do married people shun away from divorced people? Divorced people need companionship. They need understanding, and they need to be heard, and most of all they need to be a teacher to those who are married, for it is by their story that you CAN make your own marriage stronger.

So, when you hear about that pastor who has turned and walked away from his family, don't shun the wife, but engage her in talking out her feelings...if you are a woman. Discuss the possibilities with your own spouse that you need to guard against, so that an affair doesn't happen, and be aware that many affairs take place with other married partners...there seems to be an epidemic of sorts that married men and women vascillate towards other married partners, just because of the mystery of it and the flattery. It just feels good to be noticed by another person besides your spouse...but STOP! FLEE FROM THOSE THOUGHTS! Find out just what a divorce looks like with lawyers and children and family and financially and the list could go on and on, relentlessly. Is it worth the marriage? Do you have that commitment to your partner that you need till death do you part?

As the scriptures tell us in Galatians, we need to encourage one another...no matter who they are, always lifting up one another in prayer. How many times do you lift up a fallen marriage in prayer meeting? Is it so hush-hush that you don't think it is appropriate to pray for that couple, and that things would work out for that couple? Many times, our prayer meetings turn into gossip sessions, but reality is that we need the church praying for hurting marriages, and encouraging those spouses not to leave their spouses, but sadly, many married Christians don't believe that it is their place to take a stand and mentor a couple facing a split, because of the shroud of thoughts mentioned above. Engage the divorced person into your church...it may influence another couple to stay together - even you!

Can You Feel Their Emptiness?

Are you the church leader or member who has never been divorced? You are the person this blog writer wants to appeal to. We've sat on the same pew together. Many of you are thinking..."I really have no reason to get into the lives of people who are divorced or facing it, or even thinking about it." - right? Well, yes you do have a reason to be involved in people's shattered lives. 

Jesus teaches us to be compassionate people. Jesus teaches us to lift His name high, so that He will draw all men to Himself. If you are a Christ follower, then you are required to show love and compassion to anyone who comes your way. But do you actually rub shoulders with those people who feel so empty inside themselves because they are trying to pick up the pieces of a broken marriage? Sure you do...they are the ones who are sitting by themselves, thinking no one cares to be around them, but they know they need to be here. 

Take a look at who this person is. Paula comes into your rather large church and she is looking for a spot where no one will notice her. Or Ted is a church member who has just been given his marching orders outside the front door and he is sitting by himself, slumped slightly over...just because he is exhausted emotionally  from the disrespect and the rejection he feels. Or Ragan is the friend you befriended last Fall at a church event, and you find out she is facing an unwanted divorce from a husband who is has been involved with a co-worker and...another member of the church. Yes, life gets very complicated for those you know, but you really don't know how they feel and what they are going through unless you sit down have a heart to heart chat with them. Let's see how each of these hurting spouses are really doing on a Sunday morning. 

Paula is nearly 3 months pregnant, but no one knows just yet. She is wearing a long-sleeved blouse because there are bruises on her arms and around her neck where she took a beating just this past week. She ended up in the ER because she thought she was going to lose the baby, but thank goodness, the baby is OK. She carries with her a shrouded secret that engulfs her with a dread as she thinks about the future of her baby's life. She wants so desperately to have a family that she has always dreamed about, but...her husband believes that no one should be born in this world, and he emphatically told her that he will not "father" a child, and he wants her to go through an abortion. And so, she sits alone. Tears come to her eyes when she witnesses the baby dedication at church, with dads holding their newborns, smiling and cooing at their newborns...and she feels more and more empty inside. An usher catches her with tears in her eyes, and asks her if she is OK, and she responds, "Sure, I'm OK!" when everything in her being is crying out for someone to hold her up and understand the nightmare she is facing...but no one notices...and she remains silent. And her husband has filed for divorce because he doesn't want the baby. 

Ted and his family have been going to this church for over fifteen years. They have been involved with the children's activities - they have two children in elementary school Ted sings on the praise team, but this Sunday, he's sitting without his family. His wife has decided that she no longer loves Ted. The disrespect by his wife has taken a toll on him so badly, that he believes that he is a worthless father and cannot do anything right in front of his wife. This past week, she emptied all of the bank accounts, placed the money in her new account, and told him that he was no longer welcome in his own home...and his children ignored him as they were told to do by their mother. His wife believes the marriage is over because he is not making the income that she requires, but no one knows that harrowing secret...it would be devastating to him if anyone ever found out. Yet, he sits empty, ready to explode a gusher of tears, but he holds it all in because he doesn't want to show his weakness...and his pain. 

Ragan is the mother of a set of 7 yr-old twin boys. They keep her going 24/7. She and her husband have been attending church for quite some time, but this Sunday, she sits alone in her Bible class. It's rather uncomfortable for her to be in that couple's class today - just this past week her husband told her, with no emotion in his face that he never loved her, and that he was moving out...he was finished with the marriage. She was facing that terrible feeling that it was all her fault, and an incredible empty feeling that her 10 year marriage was worthless - that she had been living a lie. A cloud of horror hung over her as she sat and thought about how empty she felt, but there were people all around her. She didn't think anyone there knew her secret...but someone in the class did. It was Allen sitting across the room. She knew who he was...he worked with her husband. Allen held a secret within himself as well. He had seen Ragan's husband hand in hand with a female co-worker at the office picnic...and Ragan was no where to be found. Should he tell her? 

These are scenarios that are played out in the hallways, classrooms, church pews, and church parking lots all the time, yet no one ever knows the real story. Why wouldn't we as church members? We are always dressed in our Sunday best, being on our best behavior, and believing everyone in church are "doing just fine". We really don't get to know the deep hurts of a person, yet when we find out they are going through a divorce, all of us want to fix it. All of us want to try to bring the couple back together again. That is the normal, Christian thing to do in church, when in reality, the single spouse, sitting their in the pew is agonizing on the inside, and does not want anyone to try to fix or reconcile them to their spouses...it's too late. But they absolutely need someone to whom they can trust with their secret, or to whom they can be heard, or they need to know that someone at church really knows how crushed they really are, and all they want is someone who can fill that emptiness inside of them. 

How can you see that emptiness and fill that emptiness? Get to know all the couples of your church. If you see that one of the spouses are no longer there, acknowledge your observation to their spouse and see what response they give you. More than likely, that will start a conversation of what is going on in their marriage. Really listen to what that person is saying, and let them know you comprehend how they must be feeling. Don't offer advice. The main thing they are needing is for someone to really hear what they have to say, and for you to trust what they have to say. 

It may be hard to find out what is really going on, but continue the relationship - maybe  offer to go out to eat lunch or to watch the kids for awhile. They will begin to open up to you when you show them that you really care what is happening to them. If the Ragans at your church  seem closed down, she needs to be shown that she really matters to you and that you love her and her children...offer to share lunch with her. She has to go to an empty home and cook for children that may not be so appreciative of her. If the Teds of your church seem sullen and out of touch, just remember, he needs a friend who will listen to him...and who won't reject him on everything he says. And if there are any Paulas in your congregation, encourage her to go through with her pregnancy, offer a baby shower for her, let her know how much she is loved and appreciated. She needs to hear that her baby is worth holding on to. And even if you find someone who is seeking a divorce, but for all the wrong reasons, then they are seeking forgiveness and comfort to know that they are not the bad guy...Jesus will take care of the rest...because someone showed compassion to the empty-hearted spouse. 

Embrace their wounds with your heart and listen so they may heal.

  

Will You Listen To Me?

Why is it so difficult to listen to a person who has such a multitude of marital issues. Is it because we feel that it is none of our business? Is it because we feel we have no background in anything having to do with divorce? Is it because we just don't have the time nor the patience to deal with friends or family who are going through divorce? Or, is it because you are the one who is dealing with a divorce of your own?

There are many reasons why we tend to stay clear of those who are going through divorce. Maybe the timing nor the place where the subject is brought up is just right for your comfort as well as the one who is going through this difficult period. We seem to be creatures of busyness, and "small talk" rather than taking a risk to open up oursleves to a person who just needs someone to listen to them. We always feel as though all of their needs should be met at the pastor's office or the counselor's office...and yet, all they want is someone who will actually understand what they are going through. And then we say to them, "I don't know what to say to them, because I've never been through a divorce." But do you have to go through a divorce in order to just sit down and listen to a person who is going through divorce? Many pastors have never been through a divorce...how do they know what to say to them? It's not about "what to say" as much as it is "how to listen" to them. 

And just what will you hear? Many times they want to talk about how badly they hurt because of the things their spouse has done or said to them. Their issues may seem to be endless such as custody issues, child support issues, infidelity issues, divorce issues, emotional issues, and welfare issues. You may think you will be overwhelmed by the issues they bring up, once they start spilling their guts. Many times, the issues they are facing may seem to be so much, you might start to believe that they are making it all up, and only wanting your sympathy. But that's just not the case. 

Here is what we need to understand. Many times, when divorce or separation hits one in the face, they are facing incredible rejection, and they must not be rejected by you. They want you to listen. They are facing issues that they have never dealt with before, but they have to have someone who will care enough to listen to them...they're spouse is no longer listening nor caring. They are not seeking out answers to their problems...they just want someone who they can trust, and to whom they can open up to without feeling like they have to defend themselves or pay for it. They want someone who will believe what they are going through. 

There were many times when I was going through divorce, my life was so topsy-turvy, that I withheld from talking to anyone because I thought that NO ONE WOULD LISTEN TO ME OR BELIEVE ME! I felt that I had to endure this thing all by myself, and that I was the only one facing this betrayal, this abandonment, this "slap in the face" that kept on burning. I didn't think anyone would even care to listen to me...except someone who knew God's love, and mercy, and grace, and forgiveness. That kind of person is supposed to be found in a church. Are you that kind of person? 

Are you the kind of person who will put aside your own volitions, your own issues, and your own schedule, and open up your heart to someone who only needs a listening ear? Do you want to be that kind of person? It's very simple to be that person...who listens and cares. How??

Take the time to listen to what they have to say. And when you are listening, repeat back to them what they have said, so that you can receive clarification, more information, and you will be giving feedback to them that you are truly listening to them. When you start to understand that way of "listening" to someone, then your heart will begin to open up to their needs, their thoughts, their fears and their doubts. And you will be able to voice your own feedback, only if you sense they are asking for your feedback...otherwise, keep yourself available to them, let them know you care, and keep listening if they continue to want to talk. 

Case in point. I was asked to mentor a young woman at my church for some issues she was facing. I had never met her, so I set up a time, place, and date to meet with her. As she opened up to me, I realized she had some major hurdles to cross. I offered some suggestions at that point along with reflective listening, and then set up another place and time to talk. When the time came to talk again, she didn't show and would not answer her phone. I tried to make contact with her several more times, but to no avail. Had I failed her? I did not know. I saw her several times during the next year at church, while wondering how she was doing, but I gave her the space she needed. 

But one day, I settled into a new Bible study class, and she was a member of that class. Later on that same year, her son was in a severe automobile accident and a friend of mine and I went to see him in the hospital. When I walked into the room, I was greeted by her, and was introduced as "the one who helped me get out of my old life." I was not expecting that introduction, but to make a long story short, she not only continued in her walk with the Lord, but her entire family joined the church and are walking with the Lord...just because I cared enough to listen to her just that one hour. We really don't know how much of an influence we have on people, unless we care to STOP AND LISTEN. How about you?

Pastor and Church Leader...

The heartbeat of your church is what will accept this ministry or reject this ministry. The main question here is..."Would God accept this ministry in your church?" since He emphatically stated, "I hate divorce!!"

Herein, lies the debate of this question. To Catholics, I would ask, "Is it wrong for the church to help others as Jesus healed the broken-hearted?" To Protestants, I would ask, "Do you detest sin so much, that you will not allow the sinner (a divorcee) to be ministered to by the church?" And to the Charismatic, "Will the church shun such an individual from the church because he or she is a divorcee?" There are men and women out there who have left the church not because of their divorce, but because they did not have the support of their church when they went through a divorce. A divorce is a terrible and cruel thing to go through. But, it's very easy for a church to believe that all people who end up divorced are sinners and they are not worthy of serving at a church again...at least those are the feelings of many people who have once been loved in the church and who have once served in a church. Has your church lost the heartbeat of the ministry of Jesus Christ? Wasn't it Jesus who sacrificed his own life for my sins and yours...and then the church takes it upon itself to shake their finger to the person who is dying inside because their spouse rejected them in some form or fashion, and the church makes them feel like they are the "sinner"? Is it because you have never been through a divorce and you just don't want to deal with it? You are ignoring 50% of your congregation if you believe that.  Does it not say in His Word that the Church is to be the Bride of Christ - his helpmeet in every way...to heal the broken-hearted and set the captive free? Have we forgotten the very essence of what Jesus' ministry is all about?

Let's look at the reason why God said, in Malachi 2:16..."I hate divorce!" Just what was God saying? He certainly was not saying that he hates the spouses of the marriage...so should the church hate the spouses who come to them for suppport and understanding? Should they be turned away or be met with a silent smile? He was saying that one spouse has dealt treacherously with the other spouse...specifically, he was saying this to husbands of a covenant marriage. Divorce in any marriage does not happen over night, but to "deal treacherously" is to treat the other spouse with malicious lies, deplorable behavior, and unconscionable betrayal and abandonment. That is the poison of a divorce. So, let's put this in practical terms. "I never loved you!" is a bold face lie or the spouse's life has been a complete lie from day one. The consistent act of physical, emotional, or even mental abuse to "maintain control" is deplorable behavior in the sight of God. And then, last, but not least, the unconscionable betrayal is like having the air sucked out of you while you are in freefall from a helium balloon. It is the rejection of the treacherous spouse who commits the act of adultery ripping their marriage to shreds...sometimes to it's physical death for one spouse.

Mind you, I never said the "leaving spouse", but the one who has dealt treacherously with his/her spouse. The one filing for divorce may be the one who must remove themselves from the marriage to save their own lives. The one leaving the marriage may be the one who longs to have her husband back, but he has since found another. Divorce is clearly a result of sin, but one must not jump to conclusions as to labeling a divorcee as the "unforgiveable spouse". Who are you to judge in the first place?  The recipient spouse of malicious lies, or the deplorable behavior, or the unconscionable betrayal is bleeding from the heart and MUST HAVE THE SUPPORT OF THE CHURCH!! That's why God hates divorce...because of the horrible ways families are treated by the treacherous spouse. These kinds of behaviors leave the family devastated to the point that the children go off on their own ungodly ways, suffering of the family is at stake financially, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally...and then their churches turn their backs on them because the church want nothing to do with sinners??????? So, I ask the church... "Just what is the purpose of the church when there is clearly this kind of suffering going on in homes of you own community...and of your own church?" Do you not feel the compassion that Jesus gave to people who were hurting deeply? Where is the heartbeat of your church? Is it in the fellowship? Is it in the music? Is is in the sermons? Is it in your classes? Is it towards those who are suffering?      

And so, I conclude with asking the first question I asked above, "Would God allow this kind of ministry in the church?" And the answer is an irrevocable "YES!!" God is not interested in our penance, but in our obedience. God is not interested in our money, but in our heart. God is not interested in our works, but in the people of those works. And God wants your church's heartbeat to weep when a marriage is shattered into a million pieces, when the one who is left behind remains aimlessly, and listlessly heartbroken, with their lives turned upside down. You can be that listening ear, you can be that helping hand, you can be that balm of healing for them. They have been rejected and spat upon enough...it's time the church begins to embrace those who have suffered this kind of treachery from their own spouses!