Can You Feel Their Emptiness?

Are you the church leader or member who has never been divorced? You are the person this blog writer wants to appeal to. We've sat on the same pew together. Many of you are thinking..."I really have no reason to get into the lives of people who are divorced or facing it, or even thinking about it." - right? Well, yes you do have a reason to be involved in people's shattered lives. 

Jesus teaches us to be compassionate people. Jesus teaches us to lift His name high, so that He will draw all men to Himself. If you are a Christ follower, then you are required to show love and compassion to anyone who comes your way. But do you actually rub shoulders with those people who feel so empty inside themselves because they are trying to pick up the pieces of a broken marriage? Sure you do...they are the ones who are sitting by themselves, thinking no one cares to be around them, but they know they need to be here. 

Take a look at who this person is. Paula comes into your rather large church and she is looking for a spot where no one will notice her. Or Ted is a church member who has just been given his marching orders outside the front door and he is sitting by himself, slumped slightly over...just because he is exhausted emotionally  from the disrespect and the rejection he feels. Or Ragan is the friend you befriended last Fall at a church event, and you find out she is facing an unwanted divorce from a husband who is has been involved with a co-worker and...another member of the church. Yes, life gets very complicated for those you know, but you really don't know how they feel and what they are going through unless you sit down have a heart to heart chat with them. Let's see how each of these hurting spouses are really doing on a Sunday morning. 

Paula is nearly 3 months pregnant, but no one knows just yet. She is wearing a long-sleeved blouse because there are bruises on her arms and around her neck where she took a beating just this past week. She ended up in the ER because she thought she was going to lose the baby, but thank goodness, the baby is OK. She carries with her a shrouded secret that engulfs her with a dread as she thinks about the future of her baby's life. She wants so desperately to have a family that she has always dreamed about, but...her husband believes that no one should be born in this world, and he emphatically told her that he will not "father" a child, and he wants her to go through an abortion. And so, she sits alone. Tears come to her eyes when she witnesses the baby dedication at church, with dads holding their newborns, smiling and cooing at their newborns...and she feels more and more empty inside. An usher catches her with tears in her eyes, and asks her if she is OK, and she responds, "Sure, I'm OK!" when everything in her being is crying out for someone to hold her up and understand the nightmare she is facing...but no one notices...and she remains silent. And her husband has filed for divorce because he doesn't want the baby. 

Ted and his family have been going to this church for over fifteen years. They have been involved with the children's activities - they have two children in elementary school Ted sings on the praise team, but this Sunday, he's sitting without his family. His wife has decided that she no longer loves Ted. The disrespect by his wife has taken a toll on him so badly, that he believes that he is a worthless father and cannot do anything right in front of his wife. This past week, she emptied all of the bank accounts, placed the money in her new account, and told him that he was no longer welcome in his own home...and his children ignored him as they were told to do by their mother. His wife believes the marriage is over because he is not making the income that she requires, but no one knows that harrowing secret...it would be devastating to him if anyone ever found out. Yet, he sits empty, ready to explode a gusher of tears, but he holds it all in because he doesn't want to show his weakness...and his pain. 

Ragan is the mother of a set of 7 yr-old twin boys. They keep her going 24/7. She and her husband have been attending church for quite some time, but this Sunday, she sits alone in her Bible class. It's rather uncomfortable for her to be in that couple's class today - just this past week her husband told her, with no emotion in his face that he never loved her, and that he was moving out...he was finished with the marriage. She was facing that terrible feeling that it was all her fault, and an incredible empty feeling that her 10 year marriage was worthless - that she had been living a lie. A cloud of horror hung over her as she sat and thought about how empty she felt, but there were people all around her. She didn't think anyone there knew her secret...but someone in the class did. It was Allen sitting across the room. She knew who he was...he worked with her husband. Allen held a secret within himself as well. He had seen Ragan's husband hand in hand with a female co-worker at the office picnic...and Ragan was no where to be found. Should he tell her? 

These are scenarios that are played out in the hallways, classrooms, church pews, and church parking lots all the time, yet no one ever knows the real story. Why wouldn't we as church members? We are always dressed in our Sunday best, being on our best behavior, and believing everyone in church are "doing just fine". We really don't get to know the deep hurts of a person, yet when we find out they are going through a divorce, all of us want to fix it. All of us want to try to bring the couple back together again. That is the normal, Christian thing to do in church, when in reality, the single spouse, sitting their in the pew is agonizing on the inside, and does not want anyone to try to fix or reconcile them to their spouses...it's too late. But they absolutely need someone to whom they can trust with their secret, or to whom they can be heard, or they need to know that someone at church really knows how crushed they really are, and all they want is someone who can fill that emptiness inside of them. 

How can you see that emptiness and fill that emptiness? Get to know all the couples of your church. If you see that one of the spouses are no longer there, acknowledge your observation to their spouse and see what response they give you. More than likely, that will start a conversation of what is going on in their marriage. Really listen to what that person is saying, and let them know you comprehend how they must be feeling. Don't offer advice. The main thing they are needing is for someone to really hear what they have to say, and for you to trust what they have to say. 

It may be hard to find out what is really going on, but continue the relationship - maybe  offer to go out to eat lunch or to watch the kids for awhile. They will begin to open up to you when you show them that you really care what is happening to them. If the Ragans at your church  seem closed down, she needs to be shown that she really matters to you and that you love her and her children...offer to share lunch with her. She has to go to an empty home and cook for children that may not be so appreciative of her. If the Teds of your church seem sullen and out of touch, just remember, he needs a friend who will listen to him...and who won't reject him on everything he says. And if there are any Paulas in your congregation, encourage her to go through with her pregnancy, offer a baby shower for her, let her know how much she is loved and appreciated. She needs to hear that her baby is worth holding on to. And even if you find someone who is seeking a divorce, but for all the wrong reasons, then they are seeking forgiveness and comfort to know that they are not the bad guy...Jesus will take care of the rest...because someone showed compassion to the empty-hearted spouse. 

Embrace their wounds with your heart and listen so they may heal.