Will You Listen To Me?

Why is it so difficult to listen to a person who has such a multitude of marital issues. Is it because we feel that it is none of our business? Is it because we feel we have no background in anything having to do with divorce? Is it because we just don't have the time nor the patience to deal with friends or family who are going through divorce? Or, is it because you are the one who is dealing with a divorce of your own?

There are many reasons why we tend to stay clear of those who are going through divorce. Maybe the timing nor the place where the subject is brought up is just right for your comfort as well as the one who is going through this difficult period. We seem to be creatures of busyness, and "small talk" rather than taking a risk to open up oursleves to a person who just needs someone to listen to them. We always feel as though all of their needs should be met at the pastor's office or the counselor's office...and yet, all they want is someone who will actually understand what they are going through. And then we say to them, "I don't know what to say to them, because I've never been through a divorce." But do you have to go through a divorce in order to just sit down and listen to a person who is going through divorce? Many pastors have never been through a divorce...how do they know what to say to them? It's not about "what to say" as much as it is "how to listen" to them. 

And just what will you hear? Many times they want to talk about how badly they hurt because of the things their spouse has done or said to them. Their issues may seem to be endless such as custody issues, child support issues, infidelity issues, divorce issues, emotional issues, and welfare issues. You may think you will be overwhelmed by the issues they bring up, once they start spilling their guts. Many times, the issues they are facing may seem to be so much, you might start to believe that they are making it all up, and only wanting your sympathy. But that's just not the case. 

Here is what we need to understand. Many times, when divorce or separation hits one in the face, they are facing incredible rejection, and they must not be rejected by you. They want you to listen. They are facing issues that they have never dealt with before, but they have to have someone who will care enough to listen to them...they're spouse is no longer listening nor caring. They are not seeking out answers to their problems...they just want someone who they can trust, and to whom they can open up to without feeling like they have to defend themselves or pay for it. They want someone who will believe what they are going through. 

There were many times when I was going through divorce, my life was so topsy-turvy, that I withheld from talking to anyone because I thought that NO ONE WOULD LISTEN TO ME OR BELIEVE ME! I felt that I had to endure this thing all by myself, and that I was the only one facing this betrayal, this abandonment, this "slap in the face" that kept on burning. I didn't think anyone would even care to listen to me...except someone who knew God's love, and mercy, and grace, and forgiveness. That kind of person is supposed to be found in a church. Are you that kind of person? 

Are you the kind of person who will put aside your own volitions, your own issues, and your own schedule, and open up your heart to someone who only needs a listening ear? Do you want to be that kind of person? It's very simple to be that person...who listens and cares. How??

Take the time to listen to what they have to say. And when you are listening, repeat back to them what they have said, so that you can receive clarification, more information, and you will be giving feedback to them that you are truly listening to them. When you start to understand that way of "listening" to someone, then your heart will begin to open up to their needs, their thoughts, their fears and their doubts. And you will be able to voice your own feedback, only if you sense they are asking for your feedback...otherwise, keep yourself available to them, let them know you care, and keep listening if they continue to want to talk. 

Case in point. I was asked to mentor a young woman at my church for some issues she was facing. I had never met her, so I set up a time, place, and date to meet with her. As she opened up to me, I realized she had some major hurdles to cross. I offered some suggestions at that point along with reflective listening, and then set up another place and time to talk. When the time came to talk again, she didn't show and would not answer her phone. I tried to make contact with her several more times, but to no avail. Had I failed her? I did not know. I saw her several times during the next year at church, while wondering how she was doing, but I gave her the space she needed. 

But one day, I settled into a new Bible study class, and she was a member of that class. Later on that same year, her son was in a severe automobile accident and a friend of mine and I went to see him in the hospital. When I walked into the room, I was greeted by her, and was introduced as "the one who helped me get out of my old life." I was not expecting that introduction, but to make a long story short, she not only continued in her walk with the Lord, but her entire family joined the church and are walking with the Lord...just because I cared enough to listen to her just that one hour. We really don't know how much of an influence we have on people, unless we care to STOP AND LISTEN. How about you?